quietly becoming

As branches in the winter work quietly to produce buds and finally blooms, I have been doing alot of quiet, internal work. Slowly unfolding, turning toward the light...becoming. Coming into my own.

( but there are times I just want to put on steel toed boots and kick the shit out of something!)

I also know...

I am not alone. I have you.

This I know...

I am still here.

seeking

I'm still looking for my place in the world.

Thanks Gaga

I'm beautiful in my way
'cause God makes no mistakes
I'm on the right track baby
I was born this way

Don't hide yourself in regret
Just love yourself and you're set
I'm on the right track baby
I was born this way

tiny victories

I tend to get very overwhelmed quite easily. When I get overwhelmed I stop. Just stop. Do nothing at all. It's like my brain has too much in it so it shuts down. All this does is creates that all too familiar cycle of "things that need to be done-feeling overwhelmed-do nothing-hate and berate myself for being a loser for doing nothing". I have really had enough of this and am trying to finds ways to change.
My husband reminds me to take things in small pieces rather than keep looking at the overall task. Sometimes that task is just getting through a day. Good advice though.
Here is where I came up with my idea about "tiny victories". I don't have to clean my house,do all the projects I have on my list,change my life and be healed all at once. All I have to think about is today. One day at a time-cheesy as that is. Sometimes one hour at a time.Yesterday I didn't do much but I didn't go to bed for the day. In fact I never went back to bed at all during the day. For me,this is progress. So yesterday was a tiny victory. I have to take what I can get.
I know this is kind of rambling but if I didn't get it out now it was going to stay stuck in my head. I hope you get what I'm saying. No need to save the celebration for the finish line. Celebrate just getting in the race.
You have to start somewhere.

If the weather is cold and snowy where you are I hope you are warm and cozy. I feel a little bad for The Girl. Today is a snow day, no school, no work but she already had the day off from school as it was make up day for midterms. So she feels a little cheated. What can you do?

Hey, it's me Theo!!!

Please go check out MY BLOG!!! I am so excited!!!

trying to keep in touch

I really want to get back into the habit of regularly taking pictures and blogging so I just need to jump in and do it. What does that mean for you? Well, it means sometimes you're just gonna get whatever disorganized nonsense is running through my head and other times,a well thought out proper post. Hey, that's me...

What I am thinking about right now:

-Squam. I am returning this September and have my forms filled out, deposit check written and envelope addressed. Trying to finalize my class choices,hard because there is so much good stuff. Now to patiently wait for the 11th so I can mail it
- my feelings of inadequacy after reading other blogs. Most of the time I get inspired but sometimes I think why do I bother because I don't have "one little word" or great intentions or inspired thoughts or everything I make looks like a 5 year old did it or...you get the drift
-that I do some weird stuff. Too much to elaborate on right now
-Snooki wrote a book. I read some posted excerpts (why do I do this?) and feel part of my brain has died
-Theo is working on a blog of his own. It should be ready soon. He leads a far more exciting life than I.
-my friends. You know who you are

See you tomorrow :)

a suggestion for the new year

Jump right in with both feet!


...or at least wear your boots in case you step in "it"
May 2011 bring you all that you need

still here

No, I have not fallen off the face of the earth, dropped dead, been abducted by aliens, institutionalized or put in jail. I have simply been attempting to hibernate and avoid the world. As you know I struggle with depression and, like many, find this time of year especially difficult. I keep trying though.

Many thanks to all my wonderful friends who commented on and emailed me about my last, long ago post. Your kind words and knowing someone, somewhere cares means alot to me. I often need to remind myself that I am not alone. Thank you for the reminder.

As the year draws to a close my initial thoughts go toward all that I did not accomplish this year, all the ways I have failed and all the regrets I have. I know this type of negative thinking can only drag me down so I am trying very hard to think more positive thoughts and be kinder to myself so...in 2010 I painted a canvas for the first time,discovered I could make friends and began to consider the possibility that I really am not as awful,gross,disgusting,stupid (insert whatever negative)as I think I am.

I look toward 2011 with hope (something I had just about run out of). I guess that's a good start. I hope you will stick with me. Please know that even if you don't hear from me you are always in my thoughts and close to my heart.

Adrift

That really is the best word I can come up with. I am alone and lonely yet am unable to reach out. The times I need others the most are the times I want them the least. If you walk away from me I understand. So I sit - alone.

I know everyone has their own burdens to bear so I try not to add to them. I always feel that others are much better equipped to deal with life-stronger,smarter,more resilient,more enlightened, more grateful than I. I feel like I am missing an important piece of the puzzle. The piece that teaches me how to be.

I am weak. I am tired. I am so much more yet so much less...

It's not that I don't think of you,I do. I do, much more than you'd ever imagine.I want to love you and support you and tell you that everything will be ok no matter what. But I cannot do that for myself. I do not reach out to you because deep inside I think I do not deserve to be helped, to be cared for, to be loved.

Obsessed!!!

Hi, it's me Theo. I like cheese. Sharyn says I am obsessed but she tends to exaggerate.

cheese,glorious cheese!


think I can eat all this?


this is what heaven must look like


I'm hungry now :)

Trying to stay busy

...because that is my attempt to avoid my "demons". If I fill myself with enough busyness I can try to block out the overwhelming sadness I feel and at least pretend I have a purpose.
I have been back at my sewing machine after a long hiatus. What am I making? Well I have an idea but am still working on the implementation. I'll show you when I'm done.



As with most things around here Theo had to get in on the project too!


He really needs to be careful or before he knows it his feet will go zipping under that needle and he will find himself attached to some thing or another.
(He also seems to have an unnatural obsession with cheese. Go figure.)

F is for friends

Thank you for being a friend

family

My 93 year old grandmother and 3 year old neice.

When she's not looking...

Sharyn says no more caffeine for me !!!
Anybody have some aspirin?

Flower Head Monster no more...

Don't worry, I'm okay! I,formerly known as Flower Head Monster, decided to tell Sharyn my name.



My name is Theodore Parsipinus and I am originally from Tennessee but now reside in the lovely Bay State, Massachusetts. I wanted to be called TP but Sharyn said that sounded inappropriate (what does she know?). So I guess you can call me Theo or T for short.

I look forward to having many adventures and telling you a little more about myself. I really am an interesting fella!

I am trying to talk Sharyn into letting me have my own blog but all she says is "We'll see how you behave". She seems to have the crazy idea that I'm a bit...umm, let's just say "spirited".

Gotta run. I hear her coming!!!!!

lessons learned

Yes, another Sqwam post...

THINGS I LEARNED AT SQUAM ART WORKSHOPS

- sometimes desperation leads us to do great things
- it's ok to ask for help
- asking for help does not make you weak
- there are many beautiful, loving souls in the world
- the art becomes secondary to the people you meet
- we are all more alike than different
- I am not worthless
- I am not alone
- I can paint on canvas
- I can talk to people without bursting into flames, melting or other such nonsense
- once I stop being so self-critical there is alot of room in my brain for other things
- I must push through fear and anxiety, not run away, to move forward
- next time I will bring gloves
- next time I will also pack my leggings and striped knee socks
- there will be a next time!!!

and sometimes you have to be impulsive, tear off your shoes and socks...


...and go jump in a lake!

more thoughts of Squam

I could go on and on and tell you how beautiful Squam Lake is, how yummy the food was, how wonderful my teachers were...blah blah blah...but all that feels pretty generic right now. You can read about all that stuff somewhere else if you want to. I want to talk about how Squam made me FEEL.

For a long time I hadn't felt much of anything except sad, depressed and disconnected so real feelings are a pretty big deal for me. I usually spend my time trying not to be noticed, keeping my mouth shut and never asking for help or showing any sign of weakness. In my past experience being noticed or showing weakness equaled being a target, a victim and I really try to avoid that path.

Why am I telling you this and what does it have to do with Squam? It has everything to do with Squam and the ways my experiences there cracked my protective shell, allowing so much pain, lonliness and sadness to pour out and so much love, caring, support and understanding to flow in. For whatever reason something in me felt that this was a safe place, a place where asking for help and being vulnerable were ok and those things I had fought so hard against were the very things that drew me to others and others to me. I was safe letting others know my pain and sadness and it wasn't used against me.Instead I was offered understanding and comfort. I was safe asking for help and others were eager to assist. I even allowed people to hug me and felt comfortable with that because I did not feel judged. Maybe it's being naive or wishful thinking but I felt people saw me for the person I am inside not what I am on the outside.

For a few days I was able to let go of the feelings of disgust and self hatred that I usually carry. I learned that when I am not living in my head and berating myself I can be a real, engaged human being who just may have something to offer the world. I cried alot while at Squam, multiple times a day but they were not tears of sadness. Instead, tears of cleansing, release, letting go. I left behind my feelings of regret about the past and took away feelings of hope for the future.

None of this would have been possible without all the wonderful, loving souls I met. Each and every one of you played a part. Thank you.

Michelle and Elizabeth


some of the wonderful women of Eldorado without whom I would not have survived

When I tried to tell my husband all about my Squam experience I could only cry alot and get out a few words because there was no way to explain to someone who was not there how amazing it was. He came to the conclusion that I had a good time. Talk about an understatement...

I know this is rambling and a bit disorganized but hey, that's me.

Squam

I am not really sure what to say about my time attending Squam Art Workshops so I have excerpted some of the comments I left on a Yahoo message board

I went to Squam a terrified, very depressed, anxiety-ridden,sad, lonely person, desperate to save my life. I was already dead inside and detached from everyone and everything around me.

There is so much to say about my experience at Squam but I still do not have the words to describe how I feel. I can only say that I met so many wonderful people, people who embraced me with their arms and their hearts.

I left Squam having hope and the knowledge that I am not alone. I will hold these things in my heart to carry me through the bad days as I know many still lie ahead. I also know I have good days in my future as well, thanks to all of you.

A million thank yous and hugs to Elizabeth and Michelle for taking me in as a "sister", to Peg for being there the moment I registered and all the moments thereafter and to the wonderful women of ElDorado who listened, understood and accepted me as I am. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

I would like each and every person who was involved in Fall Squam 2010 to know that they were all part of the collective goodness and love and light that made my time there the healing experience it was.

I'm sure I will have more to say but for now here are a few pictures.

sunrise over Squam Lake
the cabin I shared with some of the kindest and most understanding women I have ever met

evening approaches

As I return to my everyday life I hold my memories of Squam tightly.