still here

No, I have not fallen off the face of the earth, dropped dead, been abducted by aliens, institutionalized or put in jail. I have simply been attempting to hibernate and avoid the world. As you know I struggle with depression and, like many, find this time of year especially difficult. I keep trying though.

Many thanks to all my wonderful friends who commented on and emailed me about my last, long ago post. Your kind words and knowing someone, somewhere cares means alot to me. I often need to remind myself that I am not alone. Thank you for the reminder.

As the year draws to a close my initial thoughts go toward all that I did not accomplish this year, all the ways I have failed and all the regrets I have. I know this type of negative thinking can only drag me down so I am trying very hard to think more positive thoughts and be kinder to myself so...in 2010 I painted a canvas for the first time,discovered I could make friends and began to consider the possibility that I really am not as awful,gross,disgusting,stupid (insert whatever negative)as I think I am.

I look toward 2011 with hope (something I had just about run out of). I guess that's a good start. I hope you will stick with me. Please know that even if you don't hear from me you are always in my thoughts and close to my heart.

Adrift

That really is the best word I can come up with. I am alone and lonely yet am unable to reach out. The times I need others the most are the times I want them the least. If you walk away from me I understand. So I sit - alone.

I know everyone has their own burdens to bear so I try not to add to them. I always feel that others are much better equipped to deal with life-stronger,smarter,more resilient,more enlightened, more grateful than I. I feel like I am missing an important piece of the puzzle. The piece that teaches me how to be.

I am weak. I am tired. I am so much more yet so much less...

It's not that I don't think of you,I do. I do, much more than you'd ever imagine.I want to love you and support you and tell you that everything will be ok no matter what. But I cannot do that for myself. I do not reach out to you because deep inside I think I do not deserve to be helped, to be cared for, to be loved.

Obsessed!!!

Hi, it's me Theo. I like cheese. Sharyn says I am obsessed but she tends to exaggerate.

cheese,glorious cheese!


think I can eat all this?


this is what heaven must look like


I'm hungry now :)

Trying to stay busy

...because that is my attempt to avoid my "demons". If I fill myself with enough busyness I can try to block out the overwhelming sadness I feel and at least pretend I have a purpose.
I have been back at my sewing machine after a long hiatus. What am I making? Well I have an idea but am still working on the implementation. I'll show you when I'm done.



As with most things around here Theo had to get in on the project too!


He really needs to be careful or before he knows it his feet will go zipping under that needle and he will find himself attached to some thing or another.
(He also seems to have an unnatural obsession with cheese. Go figure.)

F is for friends

Thank you for being a friend

family

My 93 year old grandmother and 3 year old neice.

When she's not looking...

Sharyn says no more caffeine for me !!!
Anybody have some aspirin?