No, I have not fallen off the face of the earth, dropped dead, been abducted by aliens, institutionalized or put in jail. I have simply been attempting to hibernate and avoid the world. As you know I struggle with depression and, like many, find this time of year especially difficult. I keep trying though.
Many thanks to all my wonderful friends who commented on and emailed me about my last, long ago post. Your kind words and knowing someone, somewhere cares means alot to me. I often need to remind myself that I am not alone. Thank you for the reminder.
As the year draws to a close my initial thoughts go toward all that I did not accomplish this year, all the ways I have failed and all the regrets I have. I know this type of negative thinking can only drag me down so I am trying very hard to think more positive thoughts and be kinder to myself so...in 2010 I painted a canvas for the first time,discovered I could make friends and began to consider the possibility that I really am not as awful,gross,disgusting,stupid (insert whatever negative)as I think I am.
I look toward 2011 with hope (something I had just about run out of). I guess that's a good start. I hope you will stick with me. Please know that even if you don't hear from me you are always in my thoughts and close to my heart.
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
Monday, November 15, 2010
Adrift
That really is the best word I can come up with. I am alone and lonely yet am unable to reach out. The times I need others the most are the times I want them the least. If you walk away from me I understand. So I sit - alone.
I know everyone has their own burdens to bear so I try not to add to them. I always feel that others are much better equipped to deal with life-stronger,smarter,more resilient,more enlightened, more grateful than I. I feel like I am missing an important piece of the puzzle. The piece that teaches me how to be.
I am weak. I am tired. I am so much more yet so much less...
It's not that I don't think of you,I do. I do, much more than you'd ever imagine.I want to love you and support you and tell you that everything will be ok no matter what. But I cannot do that for myself. I do not reach out to you because deep inside I think I do not deserve to be helped, to be cared for, to be loved.
I know everyone has their own burdens to bear so I try not to add to them. I always feel that others are much better equipped to deal with life-stronger,smarter,more resilient,more enlightened, more grateful than I. I feel like I am missing an important piece of the puzzle. The piece that teaches me how to be.
I am weak. I am tired. I am so much more yet so much less...
It's not that I don't think of you,I do. I do, much more than you'd ever imagine.I want to love you and support you and tell you that everything will be ok no matter what. But I cannot do that for myself. I do not reach out to you because deep inside I think I do not deserve to be helped, to be cared for, to be loved.
Friday, October 15, 2010
Obsessed!!!
Hi, it's me Theo. I like cheese. Sharyn says I am obsessed but she tends to exaggerate.
cheese,glorious cheese!
think I can eat all this?
this is what heaven must look like
I'm hungry now :)
cheese,glorious cheese!
think I can eat all this?
this is what heaven must look like
I'm hungry now :)
Monday, October 11, 2010
Trying to stay busy
...because that is my attempt to avoid my "demons". If I fill myself with enough busyness I can try to block out the overwhelming sadness I feel and at least pretend I have a purpose.
I have been back at my sewing machine after a long hiatus. What am I making? Well I have an idea but am still working on the implementation. I'll show you when I'm done.
As with most things around here Theo had to get in on the project too!
He really needs to be careful or before he knows it his feet will go zipping under that needle and he will find himself attached to some thing or another.
(He also seems to have an unnatural obsession with cheese. Go figure.)
I have been back at my sewing machine after a long hiatus. What am I making? Well I have an idea but am still working on the implementation. I'll show you when I'm done.
As with most things around here Theo had to get in on the project too!
He really needs to be careful or before he knows it his feet will go zipping under that needle and he will find himself attached to some thing or another.
(He also seems to have an unnatural obsession with cheese. Go figure.)
Sunday, October 10, 2010
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
Saturday, October 2, 2010
Friday, October 1, 2010
Flower Head Monster no more...
Don't worry, I'm okay! I,formerly known as Flower Head Monster, decided to tell Sharyn my name.
My name is Theodore Parsipinus and I am originally from Tennessee but now reside in the lovely Bay State, Massachusetts. I wanted to be called TP but Sharyn said that sounded inappropriate (what does she know?). So I guess you can call me Theo or T for short.
I look forward to having many adventures and telling you a little more about myself. I really am an interesting fella!
I am trying to talk Sharyn into letting me have my own blog but all she says is "We'll see how you behave". She seems to have the crazy idea that I'm a bit...umm, let's just say "spirited".
Gotta run. I hear her coming!!!!!
My name is Theodore Parsipinus and I am originally from Tennessee but now reside in the lovely Bay State, Massachusetts. I wanted to be called TP but Sharyn said that sounded inappropriate (what does she know?). So I guess you can call me Theo or T for short.
I look forward to having many adventures and telling you a little more about myself. I really am an interesting fella!
I am trying to talk Sharyn into letting me have my own blog but all she says is "We'll see how you behave". She seems to have the crazy idea that I'm a bit...umm, let's just say "spirited".
Gotta run. I hear her coming!!!!!
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
lessons learned
Yes, another Sqwam post...
THINGS I LEARNED AT SQUAM ART WORKSHOPS
- sometimes desperation leads us to do great things
- it's ok to ask for help
- asking for help does not make you weak
- there are many beautiful, loving souls in the world
- the art becomes secondary to the people you meet
- we are all more alike than different
- I am not worthless
- I am not alone
- I can paint on canvas
- I can talk to people without bursting into flames, melting or other such nonsense
- once I stop being so self-critical there is alot of room in my brain for other things
- I must push through fear and anxiety, not run away, to move forward
- next time I will bring gloves
- next time I will also pack my leggings and striped knee socks
- there will be a next time!!!
and sometimes you have to be impulsive, tear off your shoes and socks...
...and go jump in a lake!
THINGS I LEARNED AT SQUAM ART WORKSHOPS
- sometimes desperation leads us to do great things
- it's ok to ask for help
- asking for help does not make you weak
- there are many beautiful, loving souls in the world
- the art becomes secondary to the people you meet
- we are all more alike than different
- I am not worthless
- I am not alone
- I can paint on canvas
- I can talk to people without bursting into flames, melting or other such nonsense
- once I stop being so self-critical there is alot of room in my brain for other things
- I must push through fear and anxiety, not run away, to move forward
- next time I will bring gloves
- next time I will also pack my leggings and striped knee socks
- there will be a next time!!!
and sometimes you have to be impulsive, tear off your shoes and socks...
...and go jump in a lake!
Saturday, September 25, 2010
more thoughts of Squam
I could go on and on and tell you how beautiful Squam Lake is, how yummy the food was, how wonderful my teachers were...blah blah blah...but all that feels pretty generic right now. You can read about all that stuff somewhere else if you want to. I want to talk about how Squam made me FEEL.
For a long time I hadn't felt much of anything except sad, depressed and disconnected so real feelings are a pretty big deal for me. I usually spend my time trying not to be noticed, keeping my mouth shut and never asking for help or showing any sign of weakness. In my past experience being noticed or showing weakness equaled being a target, a victim and I really try to avoid that path.
Why am I telling you this and what does it have to do with Squam? It has everything to do with Squam and the ways my experiences there cracked my protective shell, allowing so much pain, lonliness and sadness to pour out and so much love, caring, support and understanding to flow in. For whatever reason something in me felt that this was a safe place, a place where asking for help and being vulnerable were ok and those things I had fought so hard against were the very things that drew me to others and others to me. I was safe letting others know my pain and sadness and it wasn't used against me.Instead I was offered understanding and comfort. I was safe asking for help and others were eager to assist. I even allowed people to hug me and felt comfortable with that because I did not feel judged. Maybe it's being naive or wishful thinking but I felt people saw me for the person I am inside not what I am on the outside.
For a few days I was able to let go of the feelings of disgust and self hatred that I usually carry. I learned that when I am not living in my head and berating myself I can be a real, engaged human being who just may have something to offer the world. I cried alot while at Squam, multiple times a day but they were not tears of sadness. Instead, tears of cleansing, release, letting go. I left behind my feelings of regret about the past and took away feelings of hope for the future.
None of this would have been possible without all the wonderful, loving souls I met. Each and every one of you played a part. Thank you.
Michelle and Elizabeth
some of the wonderful women of Eldorado without whom I would not have survived
When I tried to tell my husband all about my Squam experience I could only cry alot and get out a few words because there was no way to explain to someone who was not there how amazing it was. He came to the conclusion that I had a good time. Talk about an understatement...
I know this is rambling and a bit disorganized but hey, that's me.
For a long time I hadn't felt much of anything except sad, depressed and disconnected so real feelings are a pretty big deal for me. I usually spend my time trying not to be noticed, keeping my mouth shut and never asking for help or showing any sign of weakness. In my past experience being noticed or showing weakness equaled being a target, a victim and I really try to avoid that path.
Why am I telling you this and what does it have to do with Squam? It has everything to do with Squam and the ways my experiences there cracked my protective shell, allowing so much pain, lonliness and sadness to pour out and so much love, caring, support and understanding to flow in. For whatever reason something in me felt that this was a safe place, a place where asking for help and being vulnerable were ok and those things I had fought so hard against were the very things that drew me to others and others to me. I was safe letting others know my pain and sadness and it wasn't used against me.Instead I was offered understanding and comfort. I was safe asking for help and others were eager to assist. I even allowed people to hug me and felt comfortable with that because I did not feel judged. Maybe it's being naive or wishful thinking but I felt people saw me for the person I am inside not what I am on the outside.
For a few days I was able to let go of the feelings of disgust and self hatred that I usually carry. I learned that when I am not living in my head and berating myself I can be a real, engaged human being who just may have something to offer the world. I cried alot while at Squam, multiple times a day but they were not tears of sadness. Instead, tears of cleansing, release, letting go. I left behind my feelings of regret about the past and took away feelings of hope for the future.
None of this would have been possible without all the wonderful, loving souls I met. Each and every one of you played a part. Thank you.
Michelle and Elizabeth
some of the wonderful women of Eldorado without whom I would not have survived
When I tried to tell my husband all about my Squam experience I could only cry alot and get out a few words because there was no way to explain to someone who was not there how amazing it was. He came to the conclusion that I had a good time. Talk about an understatement...
I know this is rambling and a bit disorganized but hey, that's me.
Friday, September 24, 2010
Squam
I am not really sure what to say about my time attending Squam Art Workshops so I have excerpted some of the comments I left on a Yahoo message board
I went to Squam a terrified, very depressed, anxiety-ridden,sad, lonely person, desperate to save my life. I was already dead inside and detached from everyone and everything around me.
There is so much to say about my experience at Squam but I still do not have the words to describe how I feel. I can only say that I met so many wonderful people, people who embraced me with their arms and their hearts.
I left Squam having hope and the knowledge that I am not alone. I will hold these things in my heart to carry me through the bad days as I know many still lie ahead. I also know I have good days in my future as well, thanks to all of you.
A million thank yous and hugs to Elizabeth and Michelle for taking me in as a "sister", to Peg for being there the moment I registered and all the moments thereafter and to the wonderful women of ElDorado who listened, understood and accepted me as I am. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
I would like each and every person who was involved in Fall Squam 2010 to know that they were all part of the collective goodness and love and light that made my time there the healing experience it was.
I'm sure I will have more to say but for now here are a few pictures.
sunrise over Squam Lake
the cabin I shared with some of the kindest and most understanding women I have ever met
evening approaches
As I return to my everyday life I hold my memories of Squam tightly.
I went to Squam a terrified, very depressed, anxiety-ridden,sad, lonely person, desperate to save my life. I was already dead inside and detached from everyone and everything around me.
There is so much to say about my experience at Squam but I still do not have the words to describe how I feel. I can only say that I met so many wonderful people, people who embraced me with their arms and their hearts.
I left Squam having hope and the knowledge that I am not alone. I will hold these things in my heart to carry me through the bad days as I know many still lie ahead. I also know I have good days in my future as well, thanks to all of you.
A million thank yous and hugs to Elizabeth and Michelle for taking me in as a "sister", to Peg for being there the moment I registered and all the moments thereafter and to the wonderful women of ElDorado who listened, understood and accepted me as I am. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
I would like each and every person who was involved in Fall Squam 2010 to know that they were all part of the collective goodness and love and light that made my time there the healing experience it was.
I'm sure I will have more to say but for now here are a few pictures.
sunrise over Squam Lake
the cabin I shared with some of the kindest and most understanding women I have ever met
evening approaches
As I return to my everyday life I hold my memories of Squam tightly.
Friday, July 2, 2010
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
Monday, June 14, 2010
A Lobstah Tale
Each year on or near the last day of school I take Miss H out to lunch and she gets a lobster. This has been the tradition for about six years or so.It is sort of a celebration of the end of school and the beginning of summer. Well, today was that day.
I drove to Lobster Hut in Plymouth and she got her "lobstah"(as we say it here).
digging in
the aftermath
the view from our outdoor table
I had a nice time and am happy we can still have this little tradtion. I hope it goes on for years to come.
I drove to Lobster Hut in Plymouth and she got her "lobstah"(as we say it here).
digging in
the aftermath
the view from our outdoor table
I had a nice time and am happy we can still have this little tradtion. I hope it goes on for years to come.
Sunday, June 13, 2010
Cozy
It's been cold, damp and gray all weekend. Not bad weather to stay in so last night I made this throw blanket for the big chair in my studio. Just simple tie the edges together on two pieces of fleece.
A few journal pages. This journal is square so I am having trouble taking good pictures without the edges of other pages showing. Oh well.
Hope you're warm and dry :)
A few journal pages. This journal is square so I am having trouble taking good pictures without the edges of other pages showing. Oh well.
Hope you're warm and dry :)
Saturday, June 12, 2010
Garlands Gone Wild !
Friday, June 11, 2010
Today's the day
The last day of school that is.The Divine Miss H finished her finals and now will be a high school junior this fall. How the years have flown by.
Here is the journal I made yesterday. It looks a little wonky but I don't care. I kept reminding myself to be messy and free.Not bad for something I threw together in a day. I filled it with a combination of plain paper and scrapbooking papers. I may sew a few buttons or beads on the outside.
Spending the weekend driving the girl to parties and such. What are your plans?
Here is the journal I made yesterday. It looks a little wonky but I don't care. I kept reminding myself to be messy and free.Not bad for something I threw together in a day. I filled it with a combination of plain paper and scrapbooking papers. I may sew a few buttons or beads on the outside.
Spending the weekend driving the girl to parties and such. What are your plans?
Thursday, June 10, 2010
Up and Running
Well, my best news is that I have my sewing machine working again. I had to fiddle with it a bit and clean the dust out but it's back in running order. I stayed in since it is cold and rainy today, making it a perfect day for sewing. I made a journal cover and will take a few pictures when I get pages sewn in. I also finished another garland to hang in my studio.
Not much else has been going on here so not much to tell. Here are a few journal pages from this week.
Not much else has been going on here so not much to tell. Here are a few journal pages from this week.
Friday, June 4, 2010
IMHO
Today I got myself out of the house and spent some time with my wonderful friend Susan. I always feel happy hanging out with her. We were talking about my May page-a-day pages and how my idea was to do something creative in a short period of time. That lead to what I think is my take on art journaling. That you can say something meaningful without taking alot of time. You don't need to fill every bit of space with fancy stuff or copious journaling, you don't have to agonize over the "art" part. It's really all about saying what's inside YOU and sometimes a few words or even no words, can say everything.
a journal page from last month
a journal page from last month
Thursday, June 3, 2010
Hi there!
I haven't had much to say because I haven't been doing much. I would like to thank everyone who has left a comment and kind word. It means alot to me. Thank you.
I did work on a little project. I made a fabric yo-yo garland using scraps.
I strung them all together and added a few buttons.I figured a simple project was a good place to start.
Of course, I worked on my May page-a-day and am pleasantly surprised at myself for continuing. It's been challenging but a good exercise in keeping my brain alive and creative. The journal I used has a few more pages so I may continue into June (I have some catching up to do!)
And for a change of pace, a regular journal page from the weekend.
I did work on a little project. I made a fabric yo-yo garland using scraps.
I strung them all together and added a few buttons.I figured a simple project was a good place to start.Of course, I worked on my May page-a-day and am pleasantly surprised at myself for continuing. It's been challenging but a good exercise in keeping my brain alive and creative. The journal I used has a few more pages so I may continue into June (I have some catching up to do!)
And for a change of pace, a regular journal page from the weekend.
Monday, May 31, 2010
Sunday, May 30, 2010
Saturday, May 29, 2010
Friday, May 28, 2010
Thursday, May 27, 2010
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
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